Dear Spider Who Was Running Across The Floor of My Room Last Night,
First off, I’m sorry about the unpleasantness with the rolled up magazine. You have to understand the many humans have a rather visceral reaction to most members of your species, and I am no different.
You see, even though I realize you’re probably marching off back to your web to eat other annoying creatures around the house (Like those stupid gnat things that persist in the kitchen all summer despite my daily OCD bleach and scouring pad excursions) that’s really no excuse for skittering across the floor right next to my toes unexpectedly. I have boundaries, spider, and while I’m certainly open to all sorts of roommates, many of my past relationships with arachnids have been rather…strained.
Part of it is your lack of respect for my space. I’m content to let you hang around in the kitchen in the windowsill (Where hopefully, you are catching and eating aforementioned gnats) but when you made the rather bold move to my bedroom I began to have serious doubts about how long this relationship could be sustained. The sight of a spider right next to my bare feet is enough to make me antsy, but the whole “running straight toward me” thing made it even worse. I was willing to let you live had you found another place to abide whilst I was searching for something to hit you with, but alas, when I returned with a rolled-up magazine you were still perched on my blanket.
Anyways, next time, just hang out on the windowsill and everything will be just fine. We needn’t revisit the squishing.
Love,
Sparks
Exit, stage left.
Sparks