(Or, a cornucopia of Christian cliches.)
Churches are places with their own personality, full of strange smells and mysterious doors that lead to depths unknown. But all churches have a few things in common. In this week’s post, we’re going to explore a few of the common things you’ll see in any church. Starting with…
Jesus was a attractive white male
The “Jesus” picture is a well-known piece of art that we’ve all seen. But really, how many of us believe that Jesus was an attractive white guy with a neatly-trimmed beard and flowing locks? He probably also didn’t wear white robes a giant red sash, either, yet it’s such a fixture of Christian icon-dom that we just accept it at face (no pun intended) value most of the time.
The Stealth Sitter
Oh, you know who you are. You’ve been standing since “Let the Praises Ring” and your legs are oh so tired. But wait! Suddenly, the whole mood of the room changes. A few airy chords played on the acoustic guitar and you know you’ve got your cue to sit down. Of course, there’s a timing to master here. You don’t want to do it too fast, because you’ll look like you were just waiting for a break. But you can’t wait until the middle of the song, because by then you’ll have already established yourself as an Eternal Stander. (The Eternal Stander is the opposite of the Stealth Sitter, the person who will not sit down when and only when the worship leader specifically gives them permission to. The Eternal Stander is usually a Way Out Hand Raiser, as well.) The perfect time is around halfway into the first verse, and the first chorus is the cutoff point.
The Varieties of Hand Raisers
There are three main types of hand raisers. Firstly, there’s Mr. Timid. This is the guy who bends his arm at the elbow, holding his hands directly in front of him, as if warding off a rabid leopard. He’s either extremely afraid of the person in front of him suddenly turning and trying to give him a hug, or really cold and trying to conserve body heat. Secondly, there’s the Hugger. This guy holds his arms wide, invading your personal space in a big way. His eyes are usually closed, too, so he has no idea that you are now intimately familiar with the hangnail on his second finger. Which brings us to the Way Out Hand Raiser. This individual, not content with just leaving her hands stationary, bounces them in time with the music, sort of a modified concert fist pump. They often get the rest of their body into it as well, bouncing their legs ever so slightly, screwing up their face in an unusually earnest expression of worship, and squeezing their eyes shut as they sing.
The Closing Prayer Door Runners
These people have the pastor’s sermon outlines down to a science. There’s the opening anecdote, the scripture reference, the call to action, and the closing prayer. The CPDR waits until a majority of the heads in the congregation are bowed and then bolts for the doors, wanting to escape the parking lot before it becomes a morass of hungry church-goers all racing to get to their favorite after-church Olive Garden first.
Exit, stage left.
Sparks
