If you waited in line to get the 3rd generation iPhone, you are a loser.

In fact, you are one of the worst kind of loser. You are the loser who needs to one up everyone around you by pulling out your shiny new tech toy and announcing to the world that you wouldn't be caught dead talking on that old yesterday's news brick of an iPhone.

So you stood in a mile-long line in front of the shiny, oh-so-hip-with-all-its-brushed-aluminum-and-white-surfaces Apple store with all the other lemmings, imagining with giddy anticipation the upcoming moments when you too would hold onto the latest object of your Steve-Jobs-fanboy fantasies to come out of Cupertino. Your new iPhone would make all your dreams come true. It would give you witty quotes to use to charm the woman of your dreams.. On dreary days, it would sing sweet songs to you. It would clean the house before company came. It would know just how you take your coffee. Two sugars, no cream.

Except, oh yeah, it won't. Because it's just a bloody phone. It's a lifeless piece of technology. It's just stuff. It's a thing. It's a little thing that has an insane monthly service charge for at least the next two years. It's not even that great of a cell phone. A good portable device will let you do things like, oh, say...change the goldang battery. Or swap out memory. Or use voice-dialing. Or create your own ringtones for free with an MP3 file. Or record video. Or activate the stupid thing.

Sure, it's nifty, in a gadget-y sort of way. I enjoy gadgets myself. But why would you spend hours in line at the Apple store just to get a thing? This product, this lifeless hunk of mass-produced flotsam will be thrown away when the 4G comes out. It will be smaller, faster, better. And your digital life will be full of roses and puppies and rainbows until the next brushed-chrome lustworthy thing gets announced at Macworld. Most children get over the "big Christmas toy" excitement around age twelve or so. Apple fanboys, apparently, do not.

Enjoy your iPhone, losers.

Exit, stage left. Sparks