Congratulations, you're a band leader! You've made a wonderful choice. Not only will leading your very own band bring hours of fulfillment, but it will also provide a wonderful outlet for your endlessly creative musical mind. Here are a few guidelines for leading a band that are sure to make all your sound engineers and band members like you:

1) Don't know the words to the songs you're singing. That's why the confidence monitor is there, right? If you had enough time to sit down and memorize the words to the songs, you wouldn't be important enough to be a worship leader! Alternatively, add a chorus (or two) here and there to keep things moving. Or be creative and make one up! Everyone on the stage will appreciate your creative spontaneity.

2) Make sure to publicly and loudly berate the lyrics engineer when they fail to read your mind or make the slightest mistake. The most effective way is to yell into your mic, ensuring that everybody in the room hears your displeasure. This will, of course, make you look very good to the tech team, band, and backup singers. You will show them that you are a decisive, assertive person who doesn't tolerate silly mistakes. Watch your popularity soar.

3) Don't bother forwarding band requests for their monitors to the monitor engineer one at a time. After all, it's much more efficient to just let the whole band yell their requests to the monitor guy all at once. It's common knowledge that monitor engineers are supermen, able to listen to fifteen people yelling at them at once. Don't forget to tack your own requests on top of the bands while they're shouting, too!

4) Ignore your backup singers obvious vocal shortcomings. Wrong notes add a bit of spice to the mix! And don't bother running through the songs with them when they're having trouble coming in at the same time or hitting the right words. Just assume they'll get it at performance time.

5) Do you have band members who play like they're soloing, all the time? Great! Encourage that behavior! There's nothing an audience likes to hear more than an instrumentalist playing like a monkey on crack. Keyboardists hitting pitch benders in the middle of a quiet ballad really helps convey the message of the song in a strong way. Of course, if a player's playing bothers you, make sure not to say anything to them - yell at someone else, like the video guy. It also helps to insult the player behind their back - doing this will really show your integrity as a leader. You can't be bothered to correct a wayward musician - you're the worship leader!

6) Change the tempo of the songs on the fly. Much like the priceless vases from the Ming Dynasty, tempos were made to be broken! Of course, there's no reason to let the band know that you're about to change the tempo of the song. Just start singing at a different pace - you're the worship leader! The band will happily adjust to your new, more creative tempo.

(This entry is dedicated to the real band leaders who don't do these things. I appreciate you.)

Exit, stage left. Sparks